What’s in your kitchen? If you’re anything like me, you have a couple of bits of cutlery, a saucepan, and maybe a plate. I think someone also left a tin-opener behind once. Helpful for all those tins of chicken ‘n’ mushroom pies I open. (Yes, they exist. Don’t judge.)
So yeah. It’s fair to say that I’m not particularly of the domesticated kind. But the following ridiculous kitchen gadgets are calling to me. I have no idea when I would ever use them, but still. Bring it on.
1. The Egg Master, £16.48
Flaccid penis, anyone? OK, you got me. This isn’t a penis. It’s actually just eggs that have been cooked vertically in a cylindrical tube on a stick. The mind BOGGLES. What’s wrong with a regular fried egg?!
Talking of eggs, how do you like yours done? How about with a side of Donald Trump toast? This latest invention burns a perfect image of Trump’s beautiful, comb-over-topped noggin onto a slice of toast. What more could you ask for?
3. Ice Cream Cone Express, £22.18
This contraption implies that we have the effort to make actual ice cream cones for our ice cream. Seriously, just plonk a scoop or five in a bowl and be done with it.
4. Portable Pizza Pouch, £5.29
OK, this one isn’t exclusive to the kitchen. But a pizza pouch! Never again will we have to suffer the indignity of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with no pizza to hand.
5. Monogrammed Barbecue Branding Iron, £39.01
Need to keep track of your meat? That’s pretty much my only concern in life. Thankfully, never again will I have this problem thanks to this monogrammed barbecue branding iron.
6. Banana Slicer, £1.48
Save yourself six seconds each morning by cutting your banana in one swift motion. My real concern here is what happens if you have a particularly bendy banana? Or one that’s dead straight? Too many questions.
7. Egg Cuber, £5.50
When would you ever need an egg cuber? Actually, now I know this exists I’ll probably be searching my local Lakeland for one later on.
8. Bagel Guillotine, £14.83
I mean, the premise for this bagel guillotine kind of works. There’s nothing worse than cutting a bagel in half using a knife – and then finding out that one half of the bagel is too thin to hold the tonne of cream cheese you want to smother on. But having this French Revolution-esque beast in the corner? I think it might freak out my guests. Jokes, no-one ever comes round my house.
9. Tomato and Grape Cutter, £6.59
I didn’t realise a tomato and grape cutter was an actual thing. Surely you can just…use a knife?
10. Breakfast Sandwich Maker, £29.08
Pfft, who needs one machine to make a whole toasted sandwich? A five-minute sandwich which you can personalise with ingredients like egg, ham, cheese, bacon….OK, screw everything I’ve said. This is one gadget I’m buying right this second.
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