Forget Jennifer Connelly. Forget the Henson puppets. Even forget David Bowie. Real fans know there was only one stand-out performer in Labyrinth – and that was, um, David Bowie’s crotch. Or, to be more exact, his rather prominent bulge.
It’s pretty likely that Bowie’s crotch was the beginning of your sexual awakening. And if it wasn’t, then it should have been. I mean, look at it. You really can’t miss it.
We need to talk about Bowie’s bulge
When my friend sent me the following video (thanks, Will), I was pretty sure he had slipped into the cracks of the weird part of the internet again. After watching the video several times on loop for the last day, I can confirm that he most definitely has been lost to that side of the web. However, this video is pure gold.
Uploaded to YouTube earlier this month by Bonecage, the video thoughtfully offers us a montage of David Bowie’s crotch in various Labyrinth poses. And it’s all to the tune of a song called ‘Crotch Magic’. And yes, it is as incredible as it sounds. Just have a watch:
Didn’t I say it was incredible? Go on. Have another 14 listens. I won’t tell. However, please don’t blame me if you get “crotch magic crotch” circling around in your head all day.
Jeff, aka the brains behind Bonecage and the guy behind Crotch Magic, told RiseFeed: “Labyrinth was one of my favorite movies as a kid, and I always knew I wanted to do some type of parody of ‘Magic Dance.’ I sat on it (HA) for like 10 years or something, and then one day a couple weeks ago I was struck by divine inspiration.”
He added: “We should probably be clear that I have not spent the better part of my life thinking about David Bowie’s crotch, BUT I guess it sort of ended up being my muse…David Bowie’s crotch is my muse.”
The 33-year-old multimedia designer from Texas, who creates these videos in his spare time, said that the video took him around 2 to 3 days to complete. And what a video it is. It’s hard to tell which bit is our favourite. Could it be the reference to the codpiece? Bowie’s ball skills? Or is it just the constant mention of his ‘super big’ dick? We just can’t decide.
However, there’s great news for all of us: the song can be purchased for just $1 right here. Hooray to the prospect of having David Bowie’s bulge in our ears all day!
Did you enjoy reading about Bowie’s bulge? More importantly, did you enjoy watching Bowie’s bulge, amirite? Why not stick around and look at some of our other awesome videos, including This Japanese Cover of Smooth Criminal Is Amazing and This Man’s Reaction To Beating The Hardest Mario Level Is Amazing