Exclusive: The Queen’s Internal Monologue Finally Revealed!

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Look, let’s put it this way. If you name your daughter The Queen then she’s destined to become royalty, isn’t she? So it mustn’t come as a surprise that this year the UK’s longest serving monarch is going from strength to strength. Ol’ Lizzie is becoming another year older and another year more awesome this April as she turns the grand old age of 90. 90. It feels like she’s been 90 since I was a child. But she looks good. And she’s still in sound mind. At least we think so.

We’ve even got a bit of science to back us up. Throughout 2015 The Queen was being scrutinised by the scientific version of the A-Team who sought to understand more about her internal monologue. They hooked her up with electrodes and a diary and set to work. And we can exclusively reveal their findings below:

What The Queen Actually Means

On Horses

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Horses can do one. They’re just basically big dogs. And Corgis are way better. Respect.

On Chocolate Balls

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Who doesn’t love Maltesers?

On Glory Holes

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We’re not sure who is pictured next to our mate The Queen, but he seems keen on holes. Go fuck yourself, sir.

On Burritos

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I bet she didn’t have to think twice about whether or not to pay extra for some guacamole. Cos she’s a bad ass who don’t care about yo money.

On Star Wars

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It took us a while to figure out that the singular of Star Wars is…star war. Not sure why. But here’s what ol’ Queeny thinks of George Lucas.

On Youth Unemployment

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The only way to tackle this growing crisis is by pointing the finger and telling it how it is. Trust us.

So, there you have it. These are some of the finest examples of what The Queen was really thinking during her dealings with the public. How well do you think the scientists did? Let us know in the comments section below!