Why Is New Year’s Eve Always Shit?

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Why is New Year’s Eve always shit? Seriously, why? Every year, around this time, I start to get excited at the prospect of celebrating the new year in style. I’m sure you can also picture the perfect night: going out with your very best friends, having some drinks that don’t break the bank, being around lots of people really letting their hair down, kissing someone at the stroke of midnight and then linking arms to belt out your best rendition of Auld Lang Syne…

Yeah, that’s a fictitious representation of what it’s really like. One conjured up by the soppy sitcoms. And what’s worse is it makes you feel so empty when it doesn’t materialise. So in the name of science, we thought we’d attempt to deconstruct what makes it so painfully shit. And try and fix it.

You can’t settle on a plan

new year's eve and ross gellar

For some reason, New Year’s Eve gives everyone carte blanche to be completely fickle and flakey with plans. Everyone’s trying to barter themselves into a better party. But what compounds the misery is that you’re just like them too. Too much choice is a bad thing. We’re not saying you have to commit to to the Hootenanny, but for Pete’s sake, agree to something. Or host people at yours. Bring the Sambuca and go mental.

You don’t want to spend money

new year's eve like floyd mayweather

Well, to be exact, it’s that you don’t want to unnecessarily spend so much money. Everyone hikes up their prices for the night and you’re well aware of that fact. The thing is, though, you just have to commit to the fact that you’re going to spend a bit more than a regular night out. In the words of DJ Khaled, that’s the path to more success. And also not hating yourself.

You hate your friends

new year's eve is always shite

Yep. Well, to be honest, you hate all the people in the world. Why is there so much pressure? Why can’t anyone make a decision? Why are we all saying ‘I don’t mind’? Come on, man. Let’s just go dance somewhere and act like fools.

There’s not enough alcohol in the world

new year's eve the routine

Give. Me. Alcohol. Give it all to me. In my face. Because once you’ve settled on a plan, it’s still going to be somewhat bittersweet. The only guaranteed way of getting through it is to drink. Drink your self into an early nap. And wake up in 2016 groggy. You gots this.

Resolutions. RESOLUTIONS

resolution aaliyah

Okay. Back to the slightly more serious ones. Resolutions are the worst part of the celebrations. Because we’re often an inept and soppy species we take the passing of a year to heart. It’s meant to hold such a strong significance that lots of us get swept up in the ‘new year, new you’ madness that we end up making half-baked resolutions that barely last beyond the second breath of the new year. Avoid these like the plague. Make a resolution to make no resolution. Or make a resolution to stop drinking your haterade. Your call, big boy.